1. Kiss on the hand... I adore you 2. Kiss on the cheek... I just want to be friends 3. Kiss on the neck... I want you 4. Kiss on the lips... I love you 5. Kiss on the ears... I'm just playing 6. Kiss anywhere else... Let's not get carried away 7. Look in your eyes... Kiss me 8. Playing with your hair... I can't live without you 9. Hand on your waist... I love you to much to let you go
Artical 2: The 3 steps
1. Girls: If a guy gets fresh with you, slap him 2. Guys: If any girl slaps you, kiss her 3. Guys and Girls: Close your eyes when kissing it's rude to stare
Artical 3: The Commandments
1. Thou shall not squeeze to hard 2. Thou shall not ask for a kiss, just give one or take one
*** Remember***
Written by allpurposebitch
Wednesday, 01 July 2009 12:19
 A peach is a peach A plum is a plum A kiss isn't a kiss without some tongue so open your mouth, close your eyes, And give your tongue some exercise!!!
Let's be politically Correct about Women!
Written by allpurposebitch
Wednesday, 01 July 2009 12:19
She does not: GET PMS She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She does not have:Â A KILLER BODY She is:Â TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
She is not: A BAD COOK She is:Â MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
She is not:Â A BAD DRIVER She is:Â AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
She is not a: PERFECT 10 She is: NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR
She is not:Â EASY She is:Â HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She does not: HATE SPORTS ON TV She is: ATHLETICALLY BIASED
She does not have:Â SEXY LIPS She is:Â COLLAGEN DEPENDENT
She does not get: DRUNK She is:Â ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED
You do not ask her:Â TO DANCE You request a:Â PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE
She is not:Â A GOSSIP She is a:Â VERBAL TERMINATOR
She does not:Â WORK OUT TOO MUCH She is an:Â ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER
She does not have: A GREAT BUTT She is:Â GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS
She is not:Â HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS She is:Â MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
She is not:Â COLD OR FRIGID She is:Â THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE
She does not: WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP She is:Â COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED
She does not have:Â GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK) Her breasts are: CENTRALLY LOCATED
She will never: GAIN WEIGHT She will become: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER
She is not: A SCREAMER OR MOANER She is:Â VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
She does not: SHAVE HER LEGS She experiences: TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION
She does not have: A HARD BODY She is:Â ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE
She does not: SUN BATHE She experiences: SOLAR ENHANCEMENT
Her breast will never:Â SAG They will:Â LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD
She does not:Â SHOP TOO MUCH She is: OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS
She does not:Â CUT YOU OFF She becomes:Â HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE
She does not have:Â BIG HAIR She is:Â OVERLY AEROSOLED
She does not:Â SNORE She is:Â NASALLY REPETITIVE
She does not:Â GET DRUNK She becomes:Â VERBALLY DYSLEXIC
She does not have: BIG HOOTERS Her:Â CUPS RUNNETH OVER
She is not:Â TOO SKINNY She is:Â SKELETALLY PROMINENT
Confucious say:
Written by allpurposebitch
Wednesday, 01 July 2009 12:18
 - Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.  - Man who stand on toilet high on pot.  - It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.  - Man who jizz in cash register come into money.  - Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.  - Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.  - Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.  - Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.  - Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.  - Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.  - Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.  - Learn to masturbate--come in handy.  - Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.  - Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.  - Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.
An old lady
Written by allpurposebitch
Wednesday, 01 July 2009 12:17
An old lady is rocking away the last years of her life on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when - all of a sudden - a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. "Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich." *** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." ***POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?"asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. Ooh, - can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.  ***POOF*** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
APPLICATION REVIEW
Written by allpurposebitch
Wednesday, 01 July 2009 12:17
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialisation where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 automatically installs undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. As a consequence, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming wife 2.0:  A "Don't remind me again" button . Minimise button . An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 be installed with the option to  uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources. . An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the  systems hardware probe feature to have greater use.   I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 b sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another annoying problem all versions of Girlfriend continually popup annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.  ***** BUG WARNING ********  Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before executing a self - uninstallation. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient system resources. *** BUG WORK-AROUNDS *************** To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidently be downloaded from the UseNet.
Creative Writing
Written by allpurposebitch
Wednesday, 01 July 2009 12:16
This assignment was actually turned in by two English students:
Rebecca and Gary English 44A SMU, Creative Writing,  Prof Miller
In-class Assignment for Wednesday
"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The story begins ... ---    At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.   Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to eostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off, a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.    He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterward, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities toward the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.   Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"    This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.    Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
You total $*&.
Stupid %&#$!
A Party
Written by allpurposebitch
Monday, 29 June 2009 10:01
A Texas girl and a woman from New York meet at a party. The Texas gal says, "Hi! Where y'all from?"Â The New Yorker sticks her nose in the air like she's checking for rain, and replies, "Where I come from, we don't end our sentences with a preposition."Â Texas gal says, "Fine. Where y'all from...bitch!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Written by allpurposebitch
Monday, 29 June 2009 10:00
- Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp. What chicken? - Caesar: To come, to see, to conquer. - Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead. - Salvador Dali: The fish. - Bob Dylan: How many roads must one chicken cross? - Basil Fawlty: Oh, don't mind that chicken. It's from Barcelona. - Sigmund Freud: The chicken was obviously female and obviously interpreted    the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of    which she was envious. - Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by. - Gilligan: If not for the plumage of its peerless tail, the chicken would be lost.    The chicken would be lost! - John Paul Jones: It has not yet begun to cross! - James Joyce: Once upon a time, a nicens little chicken named baby tuckoo    crossed the road and met a moocow coming down... - H. P. Lovecraft: To escape the eldritch, cthonic, rugose, polypous, indescribably    horrible abomination not from our space-time continuum. - Groucho Marx: Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an    uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we    needed the eggs. - Karl Marx: To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle. - Alfred E. Neumann: What? Me worry? - Sir Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion    tend to cross the road. - J. Danforth Quayle: Ite sawe ae potatoee. - Mae West: I invited it to come up and see me sometime.
Last Updated on Monday, 29 June 2009 10:01
Salmon Spawning Made Simple
Written by allpurposebitch
Monday, 29 June 2009 09:59
Here's the way it was with the second grade class at East Elementary School in Kodiak. They were studying the life cycle of the salmon and they came to spawning. So in art class each kid made a salmon mask. (What a salmon mask should look like, God only knows.) They adjourned to the gym where each kid held his/her mask on with one hand. The girls were given a sponge Nerf ball and the boys a can of shaving cream. The male salmon chases the female salmon and sprays the egg. Thus, nature's cycle remains unbroken. Some ofthe girls wouldn't run but meekly held out their egg. One aggressive girl chased her partner around the gym thrusting her egg at him. This so flustered the boy that he couldn't get his spray can to function. She called him a sissy and he burst into tears. One little boy kept spraying himself even after the teacher told him it was nasty. Two boys were content spraying each other and wouldn't pay attention to their female partners.    When the teacher turned her back many of the kids quickly spawned with other than their assigned partners. Afterwards, the children were graded on their spawning techniques. Parents of those given low grades protested, saying spawning is too subjective to be graded.
Felix the frog
Written by allpurposebitch
Monday, 29 June 2009 09:58
   Once upon a time, there lived a man named Clarence who had a pet frog named Felix. Clarence lived a modestly comfortable existence on what he earned working at the Wal-Mart; but he always dreamed of being rich. "Felix!" he exclaimed one day, "We're going to be rich! I'm going to teach you how to fly!" Felix, of course, was terrified at the prospect: "I can't fly, you idiot! I'm a frog, not a canary!" Clarence, disappointed at the initial reaction, told Felix: "That negative attitude of yours could be a real problem. I'm sending you to class." So Felix went to a three day class and learned about problem solving, time management, and effective communication.... but nothing about flying.    On the first day of "flying lessons", Clarence could barely control his excitement (and Felix could barely control his bladder). Clarence explained that their apartment had 15 floors, and each day Felix would jump out of a window starting with the first floor eventually getting to the top floor.   After each jump, Felix would analyze how well he flew, isolate on the most effective flying techniques, and implement the improved process for the next flight. By the time they reached the top floor, Felix  would surely be able to fly. Felix pleaded for his life, but it fell on deaf ears. "He just doesn't understand how important this is..." thought Clarence, "but I won't let nay-sayers get in my way." So, with that, Clarence opened the window and threw Felix out (who landed with a thud).    Next day (poised for his second flying lesson) Felix again begged not to be thrown out of the window. With that, Clarence opened his pocket guide to Managing More Effectively and showed Felix the part about how one must always expect resistance when implementing new programs.  And with that, he threw Felix out the window. (THUD!)    On the third day (at the third floor) Felix tried a different ploy: stalling, he asked for a delay in the "project" until better weather would make flying conditions more favorable.  But Clarence was ready for him: he produced a timeline and pointed to the third milestone and asked, "You don't want to slip the schedule do you?"  From his training, Felix knew that not jumping today would mean that he would have to jump TWICE tomorrow.... so he just said: "OK. Let's go." And out the window he went.     Now understand that Felix really was trying his best. On the fifth day he flapped his feet madly in a vain attempt to fly. On the sixth day he tied a small red cape around his neck and tried to think "Superman" thoughts. Try as he might, though, Felix couldn't fly.    By the seventh day, Felix (accepting his fate) no longer begged for mercy.... he simply looked at Clarence and said, "You know you're killing me, don't you?" Clarence pointed out that Felix's performance so far had been less than exemplary, failing to meet any of the milestone goals he had set for him. With that, Felix said quietly, "Shut up and open the window," and he leaped out, taking careful aim on the large jagged rock by the corner of the building. And Felix went to that great lily pad in the sky.    Clarence was extremely upset, as his project had failed to meet a single goal that he set out to accomplish. Felix had not only failed to fly, he didn't even learn how to steer his flight as he fell like a sack of cement.... nor did he improve his productivity when Clarence had told him to "Fall smarter, not harder."    The only thing left for Clarence to do was to analyze the process and try to determine where it had gone wrong. After much thought, Clarence smiled and said:  "Next time...... I'm getting a smarter frog!"
Random
Written by allpurposebitch
Monday, 29 June 2009 09:57
ANSWER: Gatorade. QUESTION: What does an alligator get on welfare? A: Bible belt.  Q: What holds up Oral Roberts' pants? A: Milk and honey. Q: What do you get from a bee that has an udder? A: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday. Q: Name three things you     won't find in Los Angeles. A: Black and white and twenty feet tall. Q: Describe Sister Mary Kong. A: Ben Gay. Q: Why didn't Mrs. Franklin have any kids? A: An unmarried woman. Q: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on    June 1, 1952? A: Disjoint. Q: What was dat hippie smoking? A: The Laughing Policeman. Q: What do you call a cop who frisks himself? A: Dustin Hoffman. Q: Describe someone cleaning his Hoffman. A: Until he gets caught. Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve? A: Old wives tale. Q: What do cannibals find hard to digest? A: Rub-a-dub-dub. Q: What does a masseuse do to your dub-dub? A: Shareholder. Q: What did Sonny Bono used to be? A: Skalliwags.  Q: What does your skalli do when it's happy? A: David Frost.  Q: On a cold morning what forms on your david? A: Head and shoulders. Q: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather's    car? A: Hickory Dickory Dock.  Q: Who do you go to when you have a pain in your hickory    dickory? A: "Rose Bowl." Q: What do you say when it's Rose's turn at the bowling alley? A: That darn cat. Q: Who ruined that darn rug? A: High rollers.  Q: Describe a stoned bowling team. A: Gunga din. Q: What do you hear when you put an amplifier in your gunga? A: "Follow the yellow brick road." Q: What are good directions to a urologist's      office? A: At both ends. Q: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles? A: Igloo.  Q: What do you use to keep your ig from falling off? A: R-O-L-A-I-D-S. Q: How does a stupid person spell "backgammon"? A: Grape Nuts. Q: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo? A: Supervisor. Q: What does Clark Kent wear to keep the sun out of his eyes? A: Crabgrass. Q: What do crabs get high on? A: Shake-N-Bake. Q: Describe a double feature with Earthquake and The Towering    Inferno. A: Blazing Saddles. Q: What do they put on horses at the Preparation H Ranch? A: Flypaper. Q: What do you use to gift wrap a zipper? A: Deep freeze. Q: Name an Eskimo porno film. A: Bedbug. Q: What would Republicans use to eavesdrop on a hooker?
Lawyers
Written by allpurposebitch
Monday, 22 June 2009 18:25
Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything? Witness: After the accident? Lawyer: Before the accident. Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Lawyer: How old is your son? The one living with you. Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can''t remember which. Lawyer: How long has he lived with you? Witness: Forty-five years.
Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Lawyer: And why did that upset you? Witness: My name is Susan.
Lawyer: How was your first marriage terminated? Witness: By death. Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?
Lawyer: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult? Witness: We both do. Lawyer: Voodoo? Witness: We do. Lawyer: You do? Witness: Yes, voodoo.
Lawyer: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? Witness: Yes. Lawyer: And what were you doing at that time?
Lawyer: What is your date of birth? Witness: July fifteenth. Lawyer: What year? Witness: Every year.
Lawyer: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? Witness: Yes. Lawyer: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? Witness: Yes, sir. Lawyer: What did she say? Witness: She said ''What disco am I at?''
Lawyer: Mr. Smith, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? Witness: I went to Europe, Sir. Lawyer: And you took your new wife?
Lawyer: You say the stairs went down to the basement? Witness: Yes. Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Lawyer: She had three children, right? Witness: Yes. Lawyer: How many were boys? Witness: None. Lawyer: Were there any girls?
Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? Witness: Yes. Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory? Witness: I forget things. Lawyer: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Lawyer: Can you describe the individual you saw? Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard. Lawyer: Was this a male, or a female?
Restroom Policy and Procedures
Written by allpurposebitch
Thursday, 18 June 2009 02:26
TO:Â Â Â Â Â Â All Employees FROM:Â Â Â Management RE:Â Â Â Â Â Â Restroom Policy and Procedures
   In the past, employees have been permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective June 1, 1997, a Restroom Trip Policy will be implemented to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and to ensure equal treatment of employees.    Under this new policy, a Restroom Trip Bank will be established and an account opened for each employee. On the first day of each month, employee accounts will be credited with twenty five (25) trips. Restroom Trip Credits cannot be accumulated from month to month. Within the next week, the entrances to all restrooms will be equipped with Personal Identification Sensors (PSI) and computer linked voice print recognition systems. Before the end of May, each employee must provide two voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to Management. PSI will be operational but not restrictive for the month of May.  Employees should acquaint themselves with the system during this period.   When the employee's Restroom Bank Balance reaches zero (0), the doors to the restroom will not open for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restrooms are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the restrooms are being occupied for more than five (5) minutes, an alarm will sound, thirty (30) seconds later the roll of paper will be retracted into the wall, the toilet will flush and the restroom door will open. If the restroom remains occupied for more than fifteen (15) seconds from the time the door opens, the system will take your picture. Your picture will them be forwarded to your supervisor. Anyone's picture showing up three (3) times in one (1) year will have disciplinary action taken against them. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your immediate supervisor. They have received advanced instructions on how to field your concerns.    Thank you for your cooperation and please be advised that the focus of next month's memorandum will be the installation of a security camera in the restrooms, halls, and work areas -- Remember, big brother is watching...
The True Story of Pinocchio
Written by allpurposebitch
Thursday, 18 June 2009 02:25
We all know the story of good ol pinnochio who told lies and his nose would grow. But what I have worked out (being a marvelous sleuth) is that this reason for growth is far from the truth.
The actual tale is twisted, cruel and demented - It was a secret, but Penguin books relented and gave me the green light, the thumbs up, the go ahead to reveal the striking disorder on Pinocchio's head.
So how the true story of Pinnochio really goes, is that his nose was his penis and his penis his nose. Don't laugh, it's not funny, it's a horrible thing! Can you imagine the torment such a disorder would bring?
Consider for example, sitting down for a poo when the smell drifts to the front what would you do? What would they say when your nose you do scratch !??! What happens when a nose ring you decide to attach ?
How about you're picking your nose for a feed when all of a sudden it starts to bleed - people would look at you kind of funny and grunt "a guy doesn't usually go through 'that time of the month'".
But not everything was a total disgrace - surely it's an advantage having three eyes on your face. And something quite fun (that may cause dizziness) is sticking your "nose" in other people's business.
Now I'd like to reveal another myth - one no doubt that you were brought up with. My guess is that you were led to believe something ridiculous, that was meant to deceive.
It pertains to the origin of our main boy who you were told was created a toy ; Something similar to a funny muppet ... that Pinochio was originally a puppet.
If the truth be told, about his Dad - then he was weird, and a little mad. Not only that, but there was no resistor to prevent an attraction to his sister.
It happened once when they did the deed and the rules of safe sex they failed to heed. Now Gesteppo will not have a chance to rest due to the consequences of practicing incest.
So poor old Pin with this disorder was born ; he was the constant subject of sarcasm and scorn. The thought of school Pinnochio did dread as all the kids called him a dickhead.
But with delight would they all scream and yell When Pinocchio's turn came for show and tell. For it didn't take much to get him excited and even Miss Teacher ended up delighted.
One day whilst sitting in front of the television Pinocchio saw a twin brother with a circumcision. He looked at the screen to laugh and giggle at the expense of poor old Mr Squiggle.
"Look at Squigs, he's so funny" he laughed to his mum. "But you my son, are pretty dumb - if you look at things from a different angle your biggest problem you'll be able to untangle.
For Mr Squiggle is creative with his "nose" while yours just shrinks and shrivels, and sometimes grows. Perhaps you could start your own television event and call it 'Where the Nose of Pinocchio Went'".
But Pinhead didn't want all the glory and fame (not to mention the embarrassment and shame) associated with his nose's adventures - for example being caught in his dentures.
Over-excitement was Pinocchio's pet hate a lot more than once it cost him a date. But sooner or later he turned it to an advantage it happened one night when he was wearing a bandage.
His third eye, of course, the bandage did cover "You can call me your blind date" he told his lover. She immediately fell in love with his sense of humour but now I'd like to dispell that rumour.
For it wasn't the humour she was really chasing it was something much more sensually amazing. The woman's name (to our attention I bring us) is none other than the cunning Miss Lingus.
Of course the relationship failed to last just like all of Pinocchio's flames from the past. a lesson out of this that can be taught is one that may leave you just a tad distraught.
It relates to the way you treat your partner... Just like a motor bike and Mr Wayne Gardner, the relationship will not turn out quite so swell unless you "nose" your partner really well.
As Pinnochio passed through life his search became frantic for a loving wife. Of course there was a problem needing rectification one that doesn't need specification.
He tried to make the rest of his body a beaut in the hope that one day he would get a root. He started by working on his bodily limbs by pumping lots of iron, out at the gym.
Unfortunately some problems soon arose once again pertaining to his nose. As he pumped away (as in doing weights) his nose grew aplenty, to the amusement of mates.
How could anyone love him with a nose as such ? How could anyone love him with a smelly crotch ? The only way his life could be enjoyed was if this disorder was eternally destroyed.
So Pinocchio went to the plastic surgeon one day to get his nose shaped in an appropriate way. But if you think about trying to turn a penis into a nose just imagine what sorts of problems this would pose.
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
Written by allpurposebitch
Tuesday, 16 June 2009 00:01
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
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1. NAME: ____________________________   DATE OF BIRTH:__________ 2. HEIGHT:_______ WEIGHT:________ IQ:__________ GPA:__________ 3. SOCIAL SECURITY NO.:________ DRIVERS LICENSE NO.:_____________ 4. BOY SCOUT RANK:_______________________________________________ 5. HOME ADDRESS:_________________________________________________ 6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?___________________ 7. Number of years parents married?______________________________ 8. Do you own a van?_______ A truck with oversized tires?________    A waterbed?_____________    Do you have an earring, nose ring, or bellybutton ring?_______    A tattoo?_______________   (IF YES TO ANY OF #8, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES!) 9. In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?______________    ______________________________________________________________    ______________________________________________________________    ______________________________________________________________ 10. In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?    ______________________________________________________________    ______________________________________________________________    ______________________________________________________________ 11. In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?________    ______________________________________________________________    ______________________________________________________________    ______________________________________________________________ 12. Answer by filling in the blank, please answer freely -- all answers are     confidential. (That means I won't tell anyone -- ever -- promise).   A. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is in the        __________________________________________________________    B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my        __________________________________________________________    C. A woman's place is in the ________________________________    D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is        _________________________________________________________    E. When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is         _________________________________________________________    NOTE: If answer E begins with T or A, discontinue and leave premises (keeping               your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised). 13. What do you want to be IF you grow up?__________________________
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And WE think we have problems in government??????????????
Written by allpurposebitch
Tuesday, 16 June 2009 00:00
   This is a very funny article that appeared in today's Daily Telegraph about the lengths the political parties are going to over here to win the General Election.
   As a bit of background, the Labour leader Tony Blair 'chickened out' of a TV debate with John Major and the Conservatives have got a guy dressed up as a chicken following him round Britain goading him.
UK News Electronic Telegraph Friday 4 April 1997 Issue 679
  Cries of foul over headless chicken By Robert Shrimsley, Jon Hibbs and Rachel Sylvester
  THE Tory chicken had the stuffing knocked out of it yesterday when a teenage girl tore off its head in Scotland. Tories said the young woman who decapitated their creature was a "Labour thug" who "set upon our brave chicken to stop him asking difficult questions". The chicken was waiting in Port Street, Stirling, to tackle Tony Blair on devolution and his refusal to join a television debate with John Major. A Tory activist said Labour supporters surrounded the bird, shouting abuse at it. Suddenly, the girl burst out of the crowd, grabbed its head and ran off down the street to loud cheers.  Fortunately for Noel Flanagan, the man in the chicken suit, the head was recovered in one piece by Scottish police. In the words of one Tory press spokesman: "The chicken goes on." Police refused to comment on the incident but it is understood that the offender was released with only a telling off. Labour denied that any of its workers was responsible for the incident.  A spokesman for Mr Blair said the chicken had been invited to dinner but had flown back to London. Mr Flanagan, hired to highlight Tory claims that Mr Blair was running away from a television debate, had flown to Stirling. He shared the shuttle with George Robertson, the shadow Scottish secretary. The chicken was to follow the Labour leader, who was campaigning in the marginal Tory seat held by Michael Forsyth, the Scottish Secretary. However, his efforts to henpeck Mr Blair were hampered by a man from the Scottish Daily Mirror dressed as Freddy the Fox, who blocked his path during a 15-minute walkabout.   As Mr Blair approached, the chicken was seen to stumble and was pushed to the back of the crowd surrounding the Labour leader, where it waved a placard before skulking off. A jubilant Freddy observed: "I had him for dinner. I stopped him getting anywhere near Tony. Tony shook my hand and thanked me for it."   However, Mr Blair's guardian refused to identify himself, saying: "The whole thing is embarrassing enough as it is." The incident came at the end of a traumatic day for the Tory chicken. Earlier, he got into a nasty fight with a rival chicken with a detachable head, sent by the Mirror newspaper, as he strutted across College Green in Westminster. He was also pursued across London by another fox, two teddy bears and a plastic rhinoceros.   The scuffle with the Mirror chicken, carrying its head under its wing, came as he returned to Conservative Central Office. The two birds war-danced around Smith Square "pecking at each other very aggressively", according to one witness. As the confrontation turned nasty one of the Tory media minders crossed the road to separate the two.   Alex Aiken, the Conservative head of regional press, wrestled the Mirror's chicken to the ground and told his own bird to return to the Central Office coop.   But the Mirror chicken was furious. "He threw me against a wall and took my head off," he said. The Tory minder had "mad eyes" and was "quite burly", he added. The bespectacled Mr Aiken, who is actually far from burly, denied excessive violence, saying: "It was a Labour stooge chicken." John Major defended the stunt, saying: "We are just attempting to egg Mr Blair into a debate."   After the fracas, Mr Flanagan flew straight to Scotland, disappointing two men in teddy bear suits who said they were the Teddy Bears' Alliance. They camped outside the Labour launch to challenge the Tory chicken to a debate. The chicken also missed the man in a huge grey plastic rhino outfit who greeted Mr Blair outside a west London shopping centre.  Rhino man refused to give his identity but said he wanted to protest at the way" the level of debate in the political campaign seems to have become ludicrously cheap with a lot of people dressing up as animals".
